How The Heck Did I Get Here?

Another guest posting from @goonerjamie from his blog "The Life and Times of a Househusband" at http://goonerjamie.blogspot.com. Thanks Jamie for the support - his previous guest post appears here.

I woke up one morning to find I was a house-husband, I m not sure how it happened. When I went to bed I was running my own bar, then what seemed like the next day I was in the ‘school run’ business. The transition from one to the other was a fast and sometimes painful journey. My new customers could not wait for me to get up to speed, or allow me time to adjust to the new pace of life. At ages fifteen, four, and two, they wanted it all, and they wanted it now!

I went into this change with the opinion that the difference between a Dad and a ‘Houseband’ (a term I recently picked up, and am clinging to until it sticks) was not that much. Maybe a bit more washing and cooking than normal, but I could handle that. How hard could it be to clean whilst entertaining the kids, that’s what television was invented for surely? I remember in the early days how pleased I was if they were in the front room and quiet. What good children I have, able to entertain themselves without fighting. Oh, and what’s this, you’ve drawn me a lovely picture? Now how on earth do you remove red crayon from wallpaper! I had previously been of the opinion that cleanliness was next to godliness. Tired of sweeping the floor twice a day led to a U-turn, and had me singing the praises of “a little bit of dirt could only help their immune systems” school of thought

I considered myself to be a good parent, but it was swiftly becoming apparent that I only knew half the story. I had been the all important film star in our family movie, blissfully unaware of the Director standing behind me, making the movie work. I didn’t know what sweets made them hyperactive, or which ones would keep them quieter for longer. They just magically appeared in the cupboard, waiting for me to dish out with carefree abandon. The day I replaced the sweets with something of my choosing, was perhaps, the longest and loudest of my life so far. Our rabbits still look at me with resentment over their rough treatment at the hands of our normally gentle children.

The most frightening change was being left alone with all of the Mum’s at the school gate. I thought all I would have to do is take my daughter to pre-school, and then come back later to pick her up. I knew nothing of the politics of the mid morning coffee, nothing of the different clique’s and groups, or the pecking order within them. What’s more, as a male interloper in a female dominated world, there was nobody there to hold my hand, and walk me through this alien place.

How was I meant to learn the names of 20 children and their Mum’s? My children were lucky if I got their names right at the second attempt, and in conversation I would more often than not, refer to them as numbers: one, two and three. However, I would get strange looks when I referred to the other children in a descriptive manor. Runny-nose kid, carrot top and weirdo are apparently not school approved nicknames anymore! It took a while, but I managed to ingratiate myself within the group, and No2 even received a few birthday party invitations. The secret was to delve deep inside to find my inner-female, and instead of leading every conversation with the weekend’s sports results, I would compliment an outfit or a new hairstyle. This was no mean feat in itself, as my own Wife could be wearing a sack-cloth and a buzz cut, and I would not notice.

Eighteen months later and I am starting to get the hang of it. We have developed our own little routine. No.1 can quite often be relied on to take out the recycling. No.2 loves peeling potatoes and carrots. Give No.3 a sponge and he can spend hours wiping down walls and furniture. The broom is still off limits to them as it normally ends up being used in a sword fight, but a dustpan and brush is usually quite safe. The television is on less, and arts and crafts are back on the menu. It has been a long road getting here, full of tears (theirs and mine) but a road that has included a lot of laughter, and one I would recommend to any Dad. That is if your wife lets you, of course.

The Life And Times of a Househusband
Find @goonerjamie on Twitter.

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